I'm insane

Great... I woke up like so early in the morning so automatically... And why?
Cos my heart ached again... I miss you...Saw your tweets. Saw hers as well...
My heart is fucking bleeding. Heart surgeon shouts" There's a hemorrhage!!! Prepare for blood transfusion now!!!" Can i like just tell my surgeon. " Hey doc, this wun work. It's only temporary. My heart's dying every single day. I dun wanna go on anymore."

Everytime you told me that you're with her, started to imagine things. Do you do with her the things that we do? Do you go to the places that we used to go to? Do you even remember that we were once there!!! Why... I'm such a fool!!! I encouraged you to woe her did i? Cos you know why? When i see that you're sad, i am as well. I can't bear to see you sad. I wanted you happy. You both liked each other.I supported you to go after her. But at the same time, also digging my own grave. I died each time my heart fails on me. I've tried to forget you. Not that i want to. But you tot that that was a good idea too... I'm really lost now. She loves you. I had always loved you!!! That's why in the first place i was afraid when you told me that you are only trying to comfort her as a friend cos she just broke up with her boyfriend. I didn't want those things to happen. I told you to let her recover or maybe someone else will comfort her. But not you! In the end, both of you fell for each other yea... I know how it would feel like cos I've been there before. The first time you left me, Mr J was with me all along. I fell for him too. He cared for me and really loved me. In that relationship, I still had you in my heart, i betrayed him. But at the same time, i loved him for being the only one who would always care. I'm just afraid that that you would nvr return to me ever again. It hurts thinking about it.

People asked me to move on. It's hard. Really. There were too much memories in this relationship that we've built, you may forget them. But i nvr will. I love having those memories. Those were my happiest days. Home was so much a place of comfort and a place where we shared our love for each other. Now,  it's back to just being another confined space for me to think and reminisce about you. About us! We've created those memories together. We created it to last. I just can't believe that you've already thrown those memories together away. I still have them installed clearly in  my head! I want you back! I want you to get those memories restored back!

Now, every morning, I would wake up for nothing and start to cry about everything. I cry, for I've lost you to another girl. I cry, as i yearned for your return. I cry, for i gave you my all. I cry, for I've lost everything. I cry, for the memories that you've totally abandoned. I cry, for you're creating new memories, replacing ours. I cry, cos you are worth my tears. I cry, for I feel lifeless without you. I cry, because I LOVE YOU...

I know "sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead" We had planned for our future. Our home, our children and our family. And now that you're gone, I'm just like a housewife who'd lost the sole bread winner of the household. Everything is falling apart. You told me that you wouldn't get into another relationship for months? Or  years? You told me that it's very hard to influence you once you've decided on one thing. I know that. But why did my influence made you want her now? My heart broke when i saw that you planted a kiss even though only on the cheeks. I was afraid. Cos, it shows that you really likes her a lot!!! And i dun wan that to happen. You told me " on the cheeks only, you wan me to demo?" And do you know? When you "demo" how it went, my heart skipped a bit. Now, i know how she felt when you did that. But did you know? I guess not...

I'm a total mess now. It's only been a week. Yes, you asked me not to hurt myself. I'm not hurting myself. At least not physically. But i really hoped that it is physically. It hurts more than the cuts, my heart, is the one that is hurt. But you can't see it. It's well hidden.

I've got an exam later, yet I'm pouring my heart out here. I haven't even studied. What do i do?? Just fail this exam i think. I LOVE YOU, Dear star...