Goodness gracious!!!

Weee~ I'm back... With more injuries... Guess you can say i did it on purpose. But I still prefer to call it accidental. Cos well, it just doesn't sound like me to do these things on purpose. Anyways, I'm totally sinful to myself la. Last night, Daddy cooked a table of delicious dishes. Can't help it. Too tempting. Eaten 2 bowls of rice. And in the morning, I had 3 soft boiled eggs, 2 pieces of white bread, 11 mussels and had a bowl of fried beehoon. I can't believe myself too, i was full. CERTAINLY!!! But my stomach remained as flat!!! I know something is terribly wrong with my body alright... I mean. Yea, this is not normal and i haven't been starving myself lately. Have been taking heavy meals. Usual weight would normally be 42.++-43kg. But it's dropped to 40.++ and sometimes even 39kg... Tried my best to gain some weight but, nothing seems to work at all!!! FUCK!! When i wanna slim down, i gain weight. When i wanna get healthier, the numbers on the weighing machine just wun increase!!! Damn irritated now. Mummy says that she'll be bringing me to the doctors soon if this continues on. I hate the doctors -.- Always got tests to do and poking here and there. And too many questions from them!! The last time i went there, it was only for menstrual pains. Yet, stayed in the clinic for somewhat 1hour++. Haix! Though i missed being sick. But being sick now is pointless. Wun gain any attention from you. You wun be there to take care of me like you used to. It kindda reminded me of the time when i had fever. I slept in the room while you read Archie's beside me. Suddenly, I sat up and vomited. You were so surprised back then! So caring and patient with me you even packed porridge for me to eat cos i had no appetite at all. Thinking back, I guess I wasn't a good girlfriend after all. Asked you to come to my house even when you're sick. But I did had fun while taking care of you in my own house. Hehes^^ Slept with you after you took your medication, cooked for you, and it was my turn to read Archie's while you sleep that's when you had fever cos the towel on your forehead had to be cooled. I MISSED THOSE TIMES!!! Even though i can't get back those time with you anymore, i sure hope that you would remember those times we had together :))) Those are the memories which are worth to keep cos they are happy memories!!! Hmm... Seems like you really wan her as your wife liao uh... HAHAHAS!!! Okay... I'm sad. But there's nothing that i can do. We are already drifting apart. How i wish it didn't happen but it did. Yet, there's no point crying over spilt milo.(I dun like milk) It's great to know that you're happy. I know, by the time i realize this, I should decide that i should move on. But, I guess I'm just too stubborn. Lalalalala~~~ I guess I'm still gonna hang on even though the journey for me would be tough. I have to cos I have to fight for wad i wan. Nvr in my life have i ever fought so hard for someone that i love. Yea, not even my parents. Fight WITH them then have but nvr FOR them. So, this is something new to me. Hopefully, i succeed!^^ YONG SIN YEE, HWAITING~!

Sharing a boat with him...

Skool went quite well today. Ming bridges came but I wasn't there la.  Cleaned table top and stuffs like that la. Celebrated birthday for March to May babies. Had chocolate cakes (my favorite), prize presentation for to students and got back our report books. That uncle Lim... He got top for c.science, c.humanities and English and apparently came out as top in class. Good brains... I was the one in-charge of the photo taking. Got 4 photos of Edwin on my touchy la. Gonna upload the pix tml. Yea. Sang happy birthday to the birthday babies and had chocolate cakes. The cakes are so addictive la!! Ate one piece but had many left overs so we asked for second piece. Got Miss Azleen's permission and had a second piece of cake. Shared the cake with Rifqi. Miss Azleen made jellies too!! I like the fruits in the jelly. Got back our report books and my results... CMI... Cui ttm!! Today uh... Dunno why. I keep shitting. Now my Asshole burning sia. Ate to much chocolates I think. My waste are so chocolaty color. And for some stupid shit, my weight keeps going down even when I am eating so much these days... Kinda worried that I've shrunk or my boobs turned smaller... Oh no!! So now, I'm on mission gain weight. To get back my boobies fats. No flat chest for me!! After skool, went home. Bored. So watched coyote ugly. I liked the show so cool lo ~ talked to Boxin and we texted about our love. 我们两个的爱情故事还差不多。所以现在我们两同病相怜咯。 Talked about our him or she. Then 互相安慰。 Hahas! Both of us are the pathetic ones hoping for the impossible. Daddy mummy today quarrel cos of that stupid girl. Haix! Let's not talk about it ba. 讨厌!! Anyways, today Mei returned home late. I tot I hearts the door and went out to check. It was dark and I stare around. Suddenly, I tot I saw something and got really scared I dashed into the room and phoned you straight!! Told you wad I saw. You said that my brain's playing tricks on me. Later, jiayee came into the room and I was like. Oh!q you're back... And she was like you dunno meh... And she told me wad she saw. She said that when she came home, I came out. I stared at her for a very long time. And your I saw her. And all of a sudden, I freaked out and ran to the room and slammed the for behind me. SO she was the thing that I saw. Stupid her la! Nvr talk! Scared the hell outta me la!! Shitty mama... After that we compared our results and then I called you to tell you good night and now I'm hiring the sack lo~ good night people. And to you, goodnight, take care, sweet dreams, sleep tight, Iloveyou, imissyou and that's all^^

Determination leads to success!

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Getting me prepared for the worst??

Today, was a day that I think I get injured the most (physically and mentally). First up, I was cutting the acrylic using the bench saw and my finger accidentally bua until the blade. Cut wasn't too deep, so seems like the blade wasn't as sharp afterall. Second time, I was using the small file to file the acrylic. While filing, the sharp tip did a bloody drawing on my palm, creating a beautiful red line across the upper part of my palm, near the index finger. First thing I did, see how deep it was. Heng it wasn't deep much. Around 2-3mm deep and I went on exploring the cut by splitting it. WAHAHAHA!! You must be thinking that I'm crazy but well, I'm just being plain curious... Surprisingly, it didn't even hurt abit. The third injury, now, is the medium sized file. Was filing while I held onto the acrylic so the file slipped and I filed my thumb. It skinned my thumb for a little. Now, it's swollen... Dunno wad's wrong with me la. I know very well that what I did was dangerous but nvr did I wanna take any safety precautions. Except for the protection for my eyes, goggles. Also dunno if I tried to injure myself on purpose or wad... Too many injuries. Call them accidental?? But they occur way too many times in a day. After DnT, went to RCY. Boxin and Jiashin came back cos they just finished their exams. Good for them la... Come back and see us suffer only. Boxin is still as short and nice to bully!! ;DDD RCY today playing captain's ball. Boxin and I were bored, so we took the netball which is used for the ball games and played volley. Fuck pain la!!! First undersurf was nothing much. As we got into the game, the ball hit our arms and I was like "FUCK!!! This is far worse than fucking!!!" (just exaggerating). Felt sharp pains and arms got Kindda sore. But we continued to play. Until I screamed "哇！不可以了！Damn 痛啊!" then we both looked at our arms. Wowweeee~~~ one whole patch red like just BBQ before. Then I realized that I got some red dots underneath my skin. Didn't know wad it was. Went to check it on the Internet. Was quite surprised when they said that I was due to some broken blood vessels. Must have been playing too roughly. Now, some light bruises can be seen on my arms. And the broken blood vessels still remains. Somehow looks Kindda disgusting leh... Like kena some kind of disease like that. So that was the fourth injury of the day. Reached home. Yea, as usual, checked all the social network sites including yours. I see that you changed your DP. The pix... Very sweet hor... Ha ha ha... *suddenly hears something shatter* OMTian...!!! I broke something!!! It's my heart... *heartbroken* But yet I'm still Kindda proud of myself. Cos I think our pix (many of them) look nicer than that!!! Xp
Oopsies~! Am I being too straight forward?? XDDD Not gonna deny it cos imma LEO!!! it's how I am!!! You also know that I'm like this de la. Then suddenly, I find myself staring at you and smile instead. Wahaha!!! You look so cute!!! >.< As I'm composing this entry, I'm texting you. Hehes^^ I told you I'll text you at night de Liao... Dun 小看你这个小妹妹哦！Even though my memory's not that good but I'll nvr ever forget to contact you de. :)))

I'm gonna be a little selfish~!

Skool today as per normal. Did D&T all the way yea. I've managed to finish 10pages today but was all half bucket work so teacher complained. No tablet for us today so can imagine how bored we were. We practically took that as our own room. I got tired so just laid there and slept for quite sometime. Surprisingly, Mr Oh tot that the room was empty. Hahahas!!! Thank goodness!!! Else he'll catch me sleeping so comfortably in that room. Cos i practically took the bench as my bed, used a jacket as my blanket and my bag as a pillow.Yes, I'm that tired... And not to mention, BORED TO SLEEP!!!! I was being kindda selfish cos i refused to do the work while i keep asking for people to help me. Sorry uh... I needa rest so, I'm gonna be a little selfish~ Had a late night yst cos i couldn't sleep until i took the oral therapy. Slept like a baby for the whole night. Shiok ah~ Until i was almost late for skool but it was raining, who cares~ Recently, I had really be a little selfish yea. In many ways la. Most of the time when i did things, I only tot about myself. Yea, it's all bout me, moi, i and myself!! But, HA, who cares~ Just gonna enjoy life like how I am la. No one's gonna ever care bout wad i do now anyways. Yea, I've changed. You changed, so why can't I?? I just wanna be that selfish person who only thinks bout me, cares bout you less and do wad I wanna do bout my own body. It's no use~ It's no use~ Those memories just dun change at all or do they...?? Ain't gonna think bout it aye. Peishan and I treated the enthography room like a k suite. Karaoke in the room with our phones. We just find our own entertainment when teacher just dun give it to us. Sing sang sung many many songs~ Now my throat erherm!!! *pain* Haiz... Same phrase, who cares~ I'm just gonna think bout myself, not even my body can control la. Think I'm gonna do many many things from now on. You moved on so easily(easier than me). I guess only by making myself realize how much I hurt myself trying to move on with things can really help me move on yea?? Tryin stupid things, acting stupid and even making myself feel stupid. Think I'm in such a pity plight?? Yea. I think so too... But, who cares~ No one!! So, let's just let it be... Cos I'm just gonna be...

New found(?) interests~

 I've decided to follow my dreams and get the job that i so wanna get into. HEHES!!!! Working on air!!! So excited la please~~ Although i still got like 3-4 years before i can even apply for the job (after diploma). Somehow, i think i'm confident that i can get the job. Will I??? Hmm... Mind that. Today came home straight after skool as usual... Cooked lunch and locked myself in the room for the whole afternoon surfing the net about clothes, flight attendant, model, and other things that girls would surf the net for. Not forgetting FB of cos. As i tot of my own future career and stuffs, grew more and more excited and eventually, i managed to keep him outta my mind for quite sometime. Not bad~~~~ Great achievement!!! *applaud* Also dunno if he will ever think of me la like puhlease~~~ I'm... You know... The only one who's trying to be so stubborn lo. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm a FOOL~~~ But somehow i just like it this way. OOPS~! ^~^ But now have to be good girl with big dreams. Practically dreaming and wishing for the impossible to happen but wad can i do?? IMMA LEO FEMALE~ ROARRRRRR!!!! I like challenges. So, this time, I'm gonna challenge myself to a long term(?) challenge!!! YEAH!!! Hopefully i can pass this challenge la. Dun even know how then can say that i completed the challenge le leh... Questions i give myself. Yea, i think a lot. In fact, i always think too much de lo. But it does mean that my brain's good right?? *grins* Tml D&T intensive again... Sian uh... Tml cannot use workshop some more so hate to stare at tablet for 8-9 hours~~~ Later my eyes go @.@ Wahahaha!!! So cute!!

My own little prayer ~

Dear God,

  I pray that you'd be kind enough to get rid of all the bitches in my life and bring me my prince. The one who'd share all that he is with me and be able to conquer all problems in our lives together. Will there every be a guy like that?? I know you've already planned my life ahead for me although i dunno if it's the same plan i had in mind for myself. I just pray that you would show me what I should do now and also wad's not worth to do cos I feel like I may not be able to finish this movie that you've scripted out anymore. My life's crushed by this one failure. I tried regaining myself again but it's not helping me in neither ways. And God, why do you have to make me go through all these at one go?? I really think that I'm losing myself soon. Yes, I may act like I dun care and like it doesn't bother me at all. But God, you know me the best. How can I not care?? Maybe yes, by looking at them now I am okay but why do I always have that "that should be me" feeling?! I am slowly trying to let go. But each time I try doing so, I end up clinging onto him even tighter. I dun care how even if you were to make me into a heartless slut, please make me immune to all that's going on in my life. It's suffocating me. All the sleepless nights, all the feelings which made me scared, all the hurtings i've brought to myself. Not forgetting the people i've hurt during this period of time. Teachers see me, dunno wad to do. Counselor see me, dunno how to talk me out. Parents see me, heartbroken. Friends see me: She's such a broken down piece of shit! Hamster see me dun, wanna play with me. Strangers see me like I'm some kind of lost soul that they pity. So God, WAD DO I DO?? Or rather, WAD DID I DO?? All i think i did was to love a guy the way i think would show him the way i am thinking that he would accept me as i am. Now, God, tell me, IS THAT SOOOOOO WRONG??? ARGH!!!! I've shown him all of me that he can just read me like a storybook and just when i had already a firm answer to the same question that people always ask me, he steadily sentenced me to the 18th level of the hell gates. Maybe God, you may think that I'm over reacting but am i?? Is this wad teenagers would always go through?? I'm not sure but i think He is my first love and maybe the last. Will I every be able to get up onto my feet again and rely on another guy?? Or will i just rely on another girl?? (Gross~ Yet i dun think i mind) Well, at least girls would stay faithful to their partners. No?? Hmm... God, i have another question. Why do you create men and women differently?? Why is there lust, betrayal, loyalty, faithfulness, trust, honesty, or even, WHY IS THERE LOVE?? And why does this love thingy make humans have this mixed feelings of happiness, comfort, trust, secure, and at the same time, fear, jealousy, distrust and sadness?? I have so many questions on my head. So God, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?! I pray that you'll answer my prayers as long as the questions i have. And hopefully the things that i want, you give to me as i sow my seeds to the harvest that i expect.



-The cries of a broken child-

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Even though it's different now, you're still here somehow~

Yeap! Things are different now. Gotta accept reality as it is. It's cruel, everyone know it yet life still goes on... It took me quite some short time. I guess all I can do now is to use my imagination dat's all. Went for counseling today. And yea... Still, took 2 hours in there again. Talked a lot. Yup, I'm not ready to forget I'm not ready to give up. But I still have plans for myself. So I'm just gonna put our things aside first. Have to also take into consideration my dear's feelings la. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help it. Someone once told me that love is selfish. I loved him way too much I can't lose him totally. Haven been able to focus on my studies much so Mrs Stella Goh tot me a method I can help myself and motivate myself to study. I really loved the idea. Let's just hope that it works for me^^ *fingers crossed* These days, I haven't been me. I missed the old me who would be so childish towards this one person just so that I can see him return an aegyo back. Missed those times. Hahas!! Had a really good talk with Mrs Goh and she tot me many things and told me things that I have to know. Although those things that she said did hurt me a lot but yea. I guess it's true. I have to be prepared I still have my own future whether or not he's gonna be in it. Yea, Mrs Goh did tell me that I'm intelligent. I know what I should do yet my heart just tells me otherwise. Hahas! But that's me. Silly and stubborn. I hurt myself yet I didn't mind at all. Dug a really deep hole for myself to be burried in yet I'm not doing anything to make the hole shallow again. One day, I'm just gonna jump into that hole and be gone forever. Had always tot that it would be the best solution of all yet, I am having doubts about it. How about my dreams?? I had set myself to be successful. Am I just gonna die without having to feel the success in my life?? So I've decided that yes, I may still be harbouring some feelings for you but I'm not gonna let it show or let it affect my studies or my life. May I wish myself luck cos I know it's nvr gonna be easy. One day, I'll make Miley cyrus' I miss you depict the situation I'm in.

I will love you with all my heart.

Dear You,

You had always been there for me. Phone you and you'll pick up, always. Although you always make my life journey go up and down, and up and down. But i know that it was all for my own good. You wanted to mold me into a better person. I've went through many trails and tribulations yet you were always there for me. Even though you would always beat around the bush and want me to find the answers to my questions myself, but in the end, you (Jehovah-rohi) would always help me pull through. You placed many people in my life to teach me the things that i dun understand. You make yearn for you 24/7 cos of the safe and security you give to me when i'm with you. With you, I know i'll be happy cos you are my Jehovah Jireh. You make me believe that i can have all the things i want. You also make me understand that i can't always get everything that i want. You make me go through pain and suffering so that can learn from my mistakes. You are El Roi who sees a wretch like me as a person you would very much adore. You are my Jehovah-Shalom who would bring peace to me whenever i felt extremely paranoid. I really treasure the time that we had and had spent together. As my Jehovah-Rapha, you healed my broken heart and stuck back the pieces to where it should have been. No one could have done a better job than you in piecing back the puzzle of my heart. I know you see the scars that still remains which made it look ugly but you accepted me as it is. Despite the many difficulties, we managed to pull through as one. I took advantage of you and would only look for you in times of need but nvr once did you reject my requests. I AM certain that i would love you always. I may be a pauper hiding in the city of lost souls, yet you rescued me from danger and brought me back to safety. I will give my whole heart to you cos i know you will nvr break it. Even if you do, i know that you would piece each and every bit of my heart back again. I will love you with all my life, knowing that you would do the same too.

Emptiness...

I woke up crying, feeling all empty inside me. I was so scared. I tried calling you though knowing that you'd nvr pick up. It really was terrifying. I needed someone to talk to me. Soon enough, I felt my face heat up and without me noticing, a drop of tear rolled down my cheek. Do I really wanna do this?? It's really hard! It's not the first time It had happened. It always does. And it hurts. I hate the feeling of being alone. It scares me. Yes, I'm crazy. I think about you still over and over. There were many what if-s questions on my mind. And now I know, you'll no longer help me answer them ever again. So from whom shallth I seek all these answers from?? I need them answered. I need my comfort. I missed your hugs. I feel so lost. I missed the way you always helped me through. I think I'm going crazy. I missed the way you whisper into my ears telling me that everything would be fine. I feel like dying. That's the feeling Have nvr gotten before when you're with me. It is also the feeling which felt strongest each time I thought of you. I can't seem to get you outta mind! I read fiction stories hoping that we are just like the main leads. Nvr tot that one day you would totally ignore me. Will I be really alright without your presence anymore?? I want you to tell me the feelings you have inside. Maybe I would make myself die for one last time cos I'd rather commit suicide(die fast) than live with an illness which kills me more each and everyday(slow death).

Good night, take care, sweet dreams, iloveyou...

It hurts... </3

Weeeee~ I'm posting again!! It's only like 3 in the morning and I'm up. Head spinning, heart racing due to alcohol. Yea. Got myself drunk. Normally drink Bacardi with only 4.8% de me today doubled my alcohol intake. Tried a new brand which has a concentration of 8%/vol. So it's equivalent to consuming 3-4 times my normal alcohol intake cos I drank 2 bottles (with left over). The feeling when the effect comes in, nice until you think that you wanna vomit. Lay down on the bed for awhile then felt like something is gushing out of my mouth. Chiong ah~! Like pathetic only, sit beside toilet bowl until something comes out.

I msg you by accident was supposed to send that text to jingxiang. When I saw your reply was like why you msg me?? How you know I drinking leh?? Then I realized I msg wrong person... Haiz! I'm sorry.

After drinking, I made a decision. It wasn't an easy decision but I guess that's the only way left. Hope it works.