Freak me!!

Fucking ruined my own Thursday. Started off quite well. Got back my papers. Though not happy but glad that at least I didn't do as bad as I expected it to be. Stayed back in skool for RCY, went to the  teletubies hill and had some games. Then back to skool, some more games, debrief and off to home. For the whole day, had been expecting to go jogging at night. In the end it was canceled. Nvm. Life's unpredictable, things which are planned would most prolly always not work out well. So now, just looking forward to tml's gym-ing session. But as per normal, I nvr expect us to go gym tml. Cos I know in the end, somehow,I just can't go. Hahas!! Sad. Well, but no choice. Yes, others treat me as substitute. I dunno if you do too. I want even talking about you and yet, you sent me 6 msg on whatsapp. I was so scared and shocked. I can't afford to lose you in my life. I lost you to another girl twice. First time,I was lucky I got you back, but I wasn't as lucky the second time and since then, I changed. Maybe not in your eyes, but I know my friends certainly saw it. That's why they drifted apart from me. Well, I'll nvr be the same old me again unless I'm with you. Maybe that's the reason why you tot I was still the same. It's only with you that I feel alive. It's only then that I feel human. Other times, I dunno who that other person came from either. Nvr smiling, always faking. In used to not having friends like that around me. That's the dependent part of me. But I can nvr survive if you were ever to Waltz outta my life. I'm already broken when I lost you and nvr got you back. I still have a huge part of me with you that I nvr want to take back from you. I nvr wanna take it back. I dun wanna take it back. I can't take it back. I must not...
You went to the doc today. And spent unnecessary money to chao geng. Okay, it was just a joke. You're too tired, you need a rest anyways. Sleeping so late to read Manga and waking up so early the next morning to prepare for work. It's tough on you especially when you are trying to spend as little money as possible, falling sick is easy. You should take care of yourself. I want someone perfect and you're it. Things that might matter to others like lying are fine to me. As long as I trust you which I believe I do. Such a pity, I found wad I really wan yet, all I can pray for is that he doesn't exit my life. All day and all night, same prayer yet, I'm afraid one day, you would exit my life like how others did. You're the only one person I can't afford to lose. It might not be the same for you but I dun care...
I fucking hate myself!! I had to"spam"you on whatsapp, I dunno wad was wrong with me either. Bipolar syndrome maybe??
I feel really lousy... No matter in which area or aspects in life, I'm nvr up to standard. No point trying anymore right. All of the people I have left in my life thinks the same way. I'll always be under par in your eyes, in the teachers' eyes, in my parents' eyes, in my friends' eyes. You know how it feels like to disappoint the most important people in your life?? The feeling I tell you, sucks to the core!! Always making my loved ones angry, upset, heart broken, disappointed. I nvr wanted to do that. But hey, I didn't wad had gotten into me either. Worse part, I can't even make myself happy anymore. Even if I feel like crying, tears are always held in. you all will nvr know how it feels. And yes, having everyone say that I'm childish. Fuck. Seriously, I HATE THAT!! But do you know how painful it is to just smile and say thank you for that?? Yes, I'm used to it. But it still hurts and it hurts more and more each day. Sometimes, I seriously feel like killing myself!! God, I'm sorry I failed to be the creation I should be. I failed you, I sinned, I did things which I want supposed to do. I dun seek for forgiveness for I know that I always repeat my own mistakes no matter how many times you were to forgive me. Can you imagine?? I planned to end my day with a phone call with someone important and hopefully be able to wish him goodnight yet I ended up pissing him off?! Fuck, I was hurt by the tone he spoke to me in. I know he didn't mean it as he was tired. But still, it freaking hurts!!
It's just like how I used to talk to him. I nvr considered about how he would feel back then when I said those words. And now, retribution befalls unto me. I got back wad I harvested. Except, it's in hundred folds. Wow, God is good. I got back what I've sown.
Great, I still have to attend skool tml morNing. Shall koonz now... Bye and Fuck myself!!

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